Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Week 7 Ho Stable: Kellen Winslow

The man at left should spend less time on the phone and more time on the field catchin' passes, scorin' touch downs, throwin' blocks or generally being productive.

17 yards sucks. Was he really a first round draft pick? How? Why? What? Will someone please put the browns out of their fucking misery?

Grow up, shut up, and sit your ass down Kellen Winslow!

Also, stop being a bitch! No one is going to call you because you have a Staph infection -- your wife and family care about you, your boss does not. All he cares about is you getting in the end zone, which apparently you are not any good at.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Week 6 Ho Stable: Eli Manning

Poor Eli Manning. I feel bad for Eli sometimes. Sure, he's a punk ass who threatened to go to law school rather than go play for the Chargers as the #1 draft pick. Waaah! What a douche! But you have to admit, it must suck being the second third best QB in your immediate family. Oh wait, there's another brother, so maybe fourth? I don't know.

Now, some genius Giants fan might stumble on this blog and say: "Now hold on! Eli is the reigning Super Bowl MVP, he must not suck." Wrong! The only reason the Giants won the Super Bowl is because Bill Belichek is a douche and a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. The Ragtag Giants winning was funny for pretty much everyone and having Eli be the MVP was the result of every star in the universe aligning at just the right moment and served as the ultimate Fuck You to Belichek from the cosmic force known as Karma.

No, Eli is not really MVP material. Yes, he's a douche. Yes, Eli needs to sit his ass down. Right now. 3 interceptions. 3 interceptions against the Browns. Hello, the Browns are from Ohio, where football goes to die. Yes, he had 196 passing yards, even more if you count all the yards the Browns players got on interception returns. This does not change his allegiance to sucking.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Week 6 Nominees

Your Week 6 nominees belong here and try to think out of the box people. Thanks.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Week 5 Ho Stable: Buffalo's Defense

This picture is the perfect illustration of why Buffalo's Defense and everyone person in it needs to sit down. It's old but the message is clear: the entire Buffalo Defense can't stop even one guy.

One. Damn. Guy. Hos Sit Down!

You are beyond terrible if you let the Arizona Cardinals score 41 points. Arizona. This brings up a number of questions: Has Arizona ever scored 41 points in the history of the franchise? How is Kurt Warner still playing? Wait, who knew that Kurt Warner is still alive? How is Arizona still a team? Do you all remember when Paris Hilton was dating Matt Leinart? Who knew that herpes made you play poorly?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Week 5 Nominees

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Nominate someone for Week 5 who does not play for a team in Ohio and is not Sarah Palin. Good luck!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Week 4 Ho Stable: Chris Perry

It is getting a little too easy to pick on players from Ohio teams over and over again - like picking on Sarah Palin easy. I think it is because teams in Ohio blow -- both pro and college. Probably high school too, I don't know? I'd put money on it.

I didn't even know who Chris Perry was until this week, but man it turns out he went to Michigan. I wonder if he thinks he is a fucking model too, like tweedle dee and tweedle twat? Probably. I am not picking on Michigan, I swear.

Welcome to the big leagues Chris! Word on the street is that rushing for 28 yards and still coughing up the football means you kinda suck. Maybe he could be McNabb's stunt double on McNabb's shittiest day? Or maybe he could double for Tiger Woods? From the looks of it, Chris is probably not good at golf either. Well then, maybe Chris needs to sit his ass down? I'm sure the Bengals have some depth on the bench that can take up the slack. Nah, we all know that's not true.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Week 4 Nominees

Oh hey! I'm back from vacation and at your service. Your HSD nominees for week four are appreciated and loved.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Week 3 Ho Stable: Jake Delhomme

Yeah, I know I took forever to update this week, but I am on vacation this week and sat around on my ass on a plane for approximately 8000 years. I am now at your service forever and ever and ever. F you and your nomination Adam! Sit your ass down! This week's nominees were difficult because there are so many and then there are so many outside of the football context.

This week's winner is the beautifully awful Jake Delhomme who actually got most people negative points in their leagues and needs to sit his ass down right now. His wonderful stats: 191 yds, 5 sacks, 3 fumbles, 2 of those lost in the ether. There's no way their backup quarterback can be worse than this.

Normally I would say that if you have Jake Delhomme as your starting QB, you deserve whatever the hell happens to your team, because Eureka!, he has been bad forever. But a lot of people have been forced to use him because of Tom Brady's stupid injury and Vince Young's descent into being a pussy. This was Jake Delhomme's time to shine. Instead, he's a shining example of how awful things can be when you have some below average schmoe running your offense.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Week 3: The Nominations Continue

Week 3: time to add more workers to the stable.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Week 2 Ho Stable: Carson Palmer

A wiener eating a hot dogA lot of teams live and die by their QB. If, like me, your QB is Carson Palmer, I'm sure you're picking out grassy plots and headstones for your team. Remember last year when Palmer had that monster game against another weak Ohio team and everyone thought he was the cat's pajamas? Yeah, not so much. As it turns out, Carson Palmer kinda sucks. Photographic evidence, at left.

This week, he had the stats of a champion person who should be working at Burger King: 137 passing yards, no tds, 2 interceptions. Is this man really a starter? Why? There is nothing top flight about this twat. Add his terrible stats to his terrible haircut, and what he needs to do is clear. Carson Palmer, sit your ass down.

Week 2 Nominees

Your thoughtfully considered week 2 nominees should be placed here.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Week 1 Ho Stable: Braylon Edwards

Even Braylon seems confused by his shitty performance.This was not the best week for hoes. Personally, I'm all pissed off at Tom Brady, who will definitely be sitting his ass down (and out) for the whole season. Maybe if he spent more time conditioning and less time cavorting around New York carrying Gisele's purse, he'd be aight. The coveted HSD! award does not go to people who get hurt, however, even if they appear in Stetson ads and refuse to wear the Stetson hat. Geez, what a bitch!

No, our first winner this year is another Michigan grad, Braylon Edwards. This is a man whose website opens to cheering applause and a cartoon version of himself. This is a man who bragged before the Olympics that he would more than double Phelps’ gold-medal total with touchdown catches. Yeah, right. First he needs to try doubling his total in mere yards, then he can move on to touchdowns.
No, Braylon Edwards needs to sit his ass down. 2 receptions - 14 yards - 1 Fantasy point - that's pretty weak sauce by anyone's standards. It was Patently Not Awesome. Yeah, Ocho Cinco (yeah, that's some stupid shit) didn't do much better but his dumb ass didn't drop a bunch of passes either. No, Braylon should spend a little bit less time appearing in Essence Magazine looking for chicks and more time at practice catching and securing the football.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Your Nominees!

Your nominees for this week are appreciated. Yeah, I slacked last week but hey, shit happens or something, I don't know?? Football season is just now starting so any complaints about presason* can kick, thanks.

<---- I have been shackled to this, ok?

*Preseason is a tease anyway.

Monday, August 25, 2008

8/26 Ho Nominees

Leave 'em in the comments.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Summer's Eve has an Official Spokesman

Picking a ho who needs to sit down every week is not an easy task. There are SO MANY and narrowing it down to one is not easy. Once football season starts, and the Tuesday Ho of the Week is related to fantasy football, it will be easier. This week's nominations: Anquan Boldin, John McCain (too easy), The American People, Judge Ernest B. Murphy, and our winner: Joe Lieberman. I don't have any problem saying this:

Joe Lieberman Needs to Sit His Ass Down

One of these men is a retard. The other is a giant douche. Can you tell which is which?

Now you might think I'm saying this because he endorsed John McCain but that's not it. No, I'm all for that bipartisan crap. I love Chuck Hagel. Don't agree with him on 95% of things, but he's smart and tough. If I were 70 years old and a housewife in Nebraska, I might think he was hot too. You might even think it's because ole Joe is speaking at the Republican convention. That's not it either, but it is the catalyst for this post.

The real reason Lieberman needs to sit his ass down is that when America needed an attack dog, attacking W and Darth Cheney eight years ago and pointing out their deep, deep flaws, Lieberman was the lamest weakest motherfucker on the planet. And now that he's McCain's lap dog he is on the attack all the time -- and maybe if he acted the same way back in 2000, we wouldn't have gotten stuck with the brain dead assholes that are currently in power, screwing up the economy, keeping us mired in war, and now - getting up in Russia's face - despite the fact that Georgia is not cute or funny and our military is already stretched out like Jenna Jameson's vagina (what's that diplomacy thing again?).

We all know ole Joe is acting like this because he wants to be VP worse than anything in the whole world. And since McCain is 1000 years old, he'll get a good shot at being president too. If McCain picks Lieberman as VP, then I'll make him my Pimp of the Year, because if 2000 proved anything, it's that Lieberman is dead weight and a waste of space, and that will damn near guarantee an Obama win. We can all drink to that.

Monday, August 4, 2008

What about Brett Favre??

It pains me to do this. I love Brett, the Gunslinger, the man with no plan, but who cares? I'd take Favre in his heyday (1996) over Brady, Manning, and all of the rest of these pansy boys who are immobile and afraid to get hit. Throw it downfield Favre! No, wait, 1996 was 12 years ago.

It's time for Favre to sit his ass down.

Favre has been threatening retirement for at least 3 or 4 years now and when he finally did it, everyone was sad sad sad. He cried. Fans cried. John Madden forever lost his nearly perpetual Favre inspired boner.

Now Favre is back and everyone who even remotely follows the NFL is feeling sorry for Aaron Rodgers (wait, who?). Training camp has started but you wouldn't know it with the never ending "What the fuck is Favre going to do? Day 3000" coverage, running nonstop on ESPN and your local sports radio station (AM 1380!). Even the Vikings got in on the act, allegedly tampering and trying to get Favre to go purple, because lord knows Favre's 100 38 year old ass is better than whoever the hell it is that's starting for them now anyway.

Will they trade him? Will they release him? Not yet. Now Favre has to 'compete' for the starting slot that Rodgers secured with his retirement just a few short months ago. We all know exactly what's going to happen. No coach who ever set foot in Wisconsin would dare to bench the all-mighty Favre, even though everyone knows that the only hope the Packers have to really rebuild is to get rid of Favre and the other dead weight and start fresh. Mike McCarthy (related to Joe?) would have to have huge balls made of reinforced steel to put Favre on the bench. I bet that steel would melt when the Packers faithful march down to Lambeau en mass, douse his ass in PBR and light him on fire with a piece of Wisconsin's greatest cheese. He ain't that brave. Expect an announcement about how Favre's still got it (!) near the end of preseason.

Does Favre still have it? It's possible but unlikely. If the Packers don't win the Super Bowl this year, he's never ever going to retire, and we'll still be watching him play 20 years from now. He'll hobble out to the field with a walker and continue to throw 40+ interceptions every season and all the deluded Packers fans will talk about how he's still got it. I'm sure Aaron Rodgers would agree: Favre needs to put on his Wranglers, get out his tractor, and sit his ass down right now.