Monday, August 25, 2008

8/26 Ho Nominees

Leave 'em in the comments.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Summer's Eve has an Official Spokesman

Picking a ho who needs to sit down every week is not an easy task. There are SO MANY and narrowing it down to one is not easy. Once football season starts, and the Tuesday Ho of the Week is related to fantasy football, it will be easier. This week's nominations: Anquan Boldin, John McCain (too easy), The American People, Judge Ernest B. Murphy, and our winner: Joe Lieberman. I don't have any problem saying this:

Joe Lieberman Needs to Sit His Ass Down

One of these men is a retard. The other is a giant douche. Can you tell which is which?

Now you might think I'm saying this because he endorsed John McCain but that's not it. No, I'm all for that bipartisan crap. I love Chuck Hagel. Don't agree with him on 95% of things, but he's smart and tough. If I were 70 years old and a housewife in Nebraska, I might think he was hot too. You might even think it's because ole Joe is speaking at the Republican convention. That's not it either, but it is the catalyst for this post.

The real reason Lieberman needs to sit his ass down is that when America needed an attack dog, attacking W and Darth Cheney eight years ago and pointing out their deep, deep flaws, Lieberman was the lamest weakest motherfucker on the planet. And now that he's McCain's lap dog he is on the attack all the time -- and maybe if he acted the same way back in 2000, we wouldn't have gotten stuck with the brain dead assholes that are currently in power, screwing up the economy, keeping us mired in war, and now - getting up in Russia's face - despite the fact that Georgia is not cute or funny and our military is already stretched out like Jenna Jameson's vagina (what's that diplomacy thing again?).

We all know ole Joe is acting like this because he wants to be VP worse than anything in the whole world. And since McCain is 1000 years old, he'll get a good shot at being president too. If McCain picks Lieberman as VP, then I'll make him my Pimp of the Year, because if 2000 proved anything, it's that Lieberman is dead weight and a waste of space, and that will damn near guarantee an Obama win. We can all drink to that.

Monday, August 4, 2008

What about Brett Favre??

It pains me to do this. I love Brett, the Gunslinger, the man with no plan, but who cares? I'd take Favre in his heyday (1996) over Brady, Manning, and all of the rest of these pansy boys who are immobile and afraid to get hit. Throw it downfield Favre! No, wait, 1996 was 12 years ago.

It's time for Favre to sit his ass down.

Favre has been threatening retirement for at least 3 or 4 years now and when he finally did it, everyone was sad sad sad. He cried. Fans cried. John Madden forever lost his nearly perpetual Favre inspired boner.

Now Favre is back and everyone who even remotely follows the NFL is feeling sorry for Aaron Rodgers (wait, who?). Training camp has started but you wouldn't know it with the never ending "What the fuck is Favre going to do? Day 3000" coverage, running nonstop on ESPN and your local sports radio station (AM 1380!). Even the Vikings got in on the act, allegedly tampering and trying to get Favre to go purple, because lord knows Favre's 100 38 year old ass is better than whoever the hell it is that's starting for them now anyway.

Will they trade him? Will they release him? Not yet. Now Favre has to 'compete' for the starting slot that Rodgers secured with his retirement just a few short months ago. We all know exactly what's going to happen. No coach who ever set foot in Wisconsin would dare to bench the all-mighty Favre, even though everyone knows that the only hope the Packers have to really rebuild is to get rid of Favre and the other dead weight and start fresh. Mike McCarthy (related to Joe?) would have to have huge balls made of reinforced steel to put Favre on the bench. I bet that steel would melt when the Packers faithful march down to Lambeau en mass, douse his ass in PBR and light him on fire with a piece of Wisconsin's greatest cheese. He ain't that brave. Expect an announcement about how Favre's still got it (!) near the end of preseason.

Does Favre still have it? It's possible but unlikely. If the Packers don't win the Super Bowl this year, he's never ever going to retire, and we'll still be watching him play 20 years from now. He'll hobble out to the field with a walker and continue to throw 40+ interceptions every season and all the deluded Packers fans will talk about how he's still got it. I'm sure Aaron Rodgers would agree: Favre needs to put on his Wranglers, get out his tractor, and sit his ass down right now.